Written in June 2012
I always like a bit of alternate history as well as fantasy booking. The other day I started thinking about the build-up to the first Wrestlemania. Although I’m certain there have been other instances where non-wrestling celebrities have been involved in the business (the Jackie Gleason/Harley Race incident was one and of course there was Andy Kaufman/Jerry “the King” Lawler), Wrestlemania was probably the first really wide-spread involvement of celebrities in a storyline. I won’t deny that it was Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T’s involvement in wrestling that first caused the WWE to catch my eye, and it was Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper’s appearance on CBS’s Saturday morning preview show that prompted me to check out pro wrestling some 26 years ago.
However, as the years past, the more I see of the whole Rock’n’Wrestling connection, and the fellow fans that were drawn to WWE’s style of wrestling back then, the less enamored I am with the whole movement. (Especially considering, much like the Attitude Era of the 1990s, how many fans quit watching the minute it stopped being “cool”.)
In the end, maybe it would have been better if Piper and Orndorff, two wrestlers who could actually work, had gone over Hogan and T. And so, a while ago, I had a vision of just how I kinda wish the whole build-up to the first Wrestlemania had gone down…
It all started with “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Pop star Cyndi Lauper was looking for someone to play her father in the video for her breakout hit. She needed someone who fans could laugh at, even as he demanded “Whatchya gonna do with your life?”
A long-time wrestling fan, she knew she had found the right guy in manager Captain Lou Albano. Shortly after the release of the video, Captain Lou Albano appeared on an episode of Piper’s Pit. As the segment began, Piper warmly greeted Albano and then began to discuss Albano working with Lauper.
Piper: I understand, Lou, all the hardships and misery you must have gone through working out there in Hollywood with “Loopey” Lauper and all those celebrities. Because if there’s one thing Roddy Piper knows about Hollyweird is that those people think they’re so much better than us here in the wrestling business.
Albano: Well, actually Roddy…
Piper: What I want to know is, how many times did they tell you that what we do is fake? How many times did they tell you that wrestling isn’t really a sport? I know Lou that you have a big stomach, but obviously you must have a pretty strong stomach. Because if I had had to kowtow to those Hollywood types and smile and nod while they were badmouthing the sport I’ve spent sixteen glorious years in (with apologies to Larry Zbyszko) it would have made me sick.
Albano: Well, actually Roddy, Cyndi Lauper was very nice, she was very knowledgeable about wrestling. Everyone I met there was very respectful and treated me with the utmost dignity.
Piper: Really? Really, they treated you with respect and dignity, huh?
Albano: That’s right.
Piper: Well, Lou, let me tell you that Hollywood is phonier than they accuse us, in wrestling, of being. I guarantee you, brother, that they might have smiled to your face but laughed at you behind your back. You got worked more than a circus sideshow mark.
Albano: No, you’re wrong, Roddy, you’re wrong.
Piper: I’m wrong? I’m wrong?
At that, Piper punches Albano. Albano drops to the ground and Piper and Orton put the boots to him. After a few moments, Piper turns to the camera.
Piper: I’m Roddy Piper…and I’m never wrong! Hollywood, this is what happens when you come into my back yard.
The attack continues until Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham storm the set and save Albano. Following the attack by Piper, Albano turns face and begins to manage Windham/Rotundo.
Several weeks later, Albano makes a presentation to Cyndi Lauper for Girls Just Want to Have Fun reaching Double Platinum status, held in Madison Square Gardens. Albano praises Lauper, and indeed all her fans as well as those of the WWF for helping combat Multiple Sclerosis, as proceeds from sales of the single and album go to MS Research.
During the presentation, the camera seeks out celebrities in the crowd, including Dick Clark, Tina Turner, Danny Da Vito, Joe Piscapo, Andy Warhol and most important of all, Mr. T.
In the middle of the presentation, the sound of bagpipes start. Roddy Piper strides confidently to the ring, a smirk on his face. Lauper demands to know what Piper’s doing here. Albano holds Lauper back, but it’s clear everyone wants an answer. Piper grabs a microphone.
Piper: You got guts, kid, I’ll give you that. And you got nerve, too. You, Cyndi Lauper, pop sensation, have the nerve to ask, nay demand, to know why I, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, a professional wrestler, are doing in this ring. I started working in this business when I was 15 years old. I earned my way into this ring by getting my ass kicked by everybody from Larry Hennig to Chavo Guerrero to Ric Flair to Greg “the Hammer” Valentine. The question shouldn’t be “Why is Roddy Piper in this ring?” I EARNED my way into this ring. The question should be “Why are you here, Lauper? What did you ever do to deserve to step in here?”
At this point, Piper notices photographers and reporters in the ring.
Piper: Oh, and of course, we can’t forget the wonderful, unbiased media, mustn’t prevent them from having free access to everything, so they can go back and write such flattering stories about all us fake wrestlers. Hey, you want a front page story, you want a big photo to go with your story about how fake wrestling is…How ’bout you ask Cyndi Lauper how fake wrestling is after I get through with her?
Piper turns. and advances on Lauper. Lauper gives Piper “What for?” but is backing up. Albano places himself between Piper and Lauper and starts to admonish Piper. Piper pauses, looks out to the crowd, and then clobbers Albano and tosses him from the ring. He then turns his attention back to Lauper. He moves in and finally corners her in one corner of the ring.
It’s a very uncomfortable situation as everyone can see Piper is about to strike the young singer. Suddenly, the camera zooms out to see some commotion at ringside. Mr. T has jumped the barricade and bolted into the ring.
Piper turns and knees Mr. T as he comes through the ropes. Lauper is able to escape but Mr. T is in trouble. Piper continues to lay the boots to Mr. T. After a moment, when T has been pounded, Piper grabs the mic.
“Well, well, well…Here’s the best Hollywood has to offer. Mr.T…Rocky III, The A-Team, somehow he thinks that gives him what it takes to step into a wrestling ring. And I’m sure all you Hollywood-types are surprised that me, a lowly ol’ wrassler was able to beat the crap out of him. Well, T, let me give you a little reminder of just how “real” this fake sport can be.”
After kicking down T a little bit more, Piper leaves the ring and grabs a chair. Back in the ring, he is poised to bash the chair over T’s head. But before he can connect, Hulk Hogan rushes the ring and protects T.
Piper drops his chair and backs up a step. After making sure T is okay, Hogan gets up and he and Piper have a staredown.
Just then, Paul Orndorff hits the ring and clobbers Hogan from behind. He and Piper, with Orton joining in, triple-team Hogan. As garbage and the catcalls fill the ring, Piper, Orton and Orndorff stand victoriously over the fallen Hogan and T.
The next week on WWE TV, footage of the incident is shown. It is announced that, on February 18, 1985, Hulk Hogan will face “Rowdy” Roddy Piper at Madison Square Garden for the WW(edited) World Heavyweight Championship in what is dubbed “The War to Settle the Score”.
Most of the War to Settle the Score is the same as it really played out. (You can read those results here.) We’ll leave Lelani Kai’s Women’s title victory over the Fabulous Moolah intact, but let’s have Windham and Rotundo take on Adrian Adonis and Jesse Ventura in the last hurrah for the East-West Connection (and perhaps their only appearance as a team in WW(edited)).
In the main event, Hogan tries to wrestle his normal 80s-style match (quick beginning, get beat down for a while, Hulk up, legdrop). However, when Hogan starts to Hulk Up, Piper stops punching and Irish whips Hogan into the ropes. As Hogan rebounds off, Piper slaps on the sleeper.
The crowd goes wild, as Vince McMahon (on commentary) tries to sell it as a choke hold. He yells so loudly, that fans at ringside (who don’t know what they’re seeing) believe it’s a choke as well. As word that Piper is using an illegal maneuver to defeat Hogan spreads, the crowd becomes incensed.
Just as Hogan is on the verge of going out (and the crowd is on the verge of rioting), Cyndi Lauper rushes to ringside. She gets in the face of both Piper and the referee (for not stopping the choke). Piper drops Hogan out of the sleeper and advances on Lauper.
The referee puts himself between Piper and Lauper, but Piper tosses him aside. When he recovers, the referee disqualifies Piper, but the official result is of little consequence.
Piper corners Lauper, but before he can strike her, Mr. T rushes to the ring and he and Piper get into a shoving match. Piper and T go nose to nose, but out of nowhere, Paul Orndorff hits the ring and attacks T from behind. As Hogan begins to recover from the sleeper, Orndorff and Piper double-team Mr. T. When Hogan finally gets to his feet, he’s clotheslined from behind with the cast of Cowboy Bob Orton.
The fans, even more incensed at the destruction of their heroes, pelt the ring with garbage as Piper, Orndorff and Orton once again stand over the fallen bodies of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T.
Over the coming weeks on WWE TV, as Piper (with Orndorff and Orton) gloats about having once again shown those actors and musicians just what happens when they think they can step into his ring. Hogan, meanwhile, is aghast at what Piper has done.
Okerlund: Hulk Hogan, the entire world, sports and entertainment, knows about what happened at Madison Square Garden when Roddy Piper attacked, not once but twice, not only you, but your good friends Captain Lou Albano, Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T.
Hogan: Well, let me tell you something, Mean Gene, when I think of what Roddy Piper did to Captain Lou, Mr. T. and especially what he threatened to do to Cyndi Lauper…well, it just tears me up inside. What right does he have to put his hands on a woman? What kind of person does that kind of thing, Mean Gene?
Okerlund: I don’t know, Hulk.
Hogan: And as far as this whole crusade he’s got against people from Hollywood and the music industry getting involved with wrestling…Well, that just confuses me even more. I’ve been out in Hollywood, I’ve hung with the rock stars like Cyndi Lauper and actors like Mr. T. and they’re good people, Mean Gene. They know what we do every time we step into the ring is for the benefit of our fans. In a way, Mean Gene, we’re not that much different from any other entertainer. We do what we do to entertain the fans. It doesn’t matter if you use an electric guitar or a body slam. It’s all about entertaining the people. And I…
At that point, Roddy Piper interrupts the proceedings.
Piper: “Entertaining the people”…Really? That’s all you care about, Hogan? So if you jobbed to everybody they put in front of you for the next year, as long as you “entertained the fans”, you’d be okay with that? You expect me to believe that you could survive losing that belt to someone like ol’ R.P. here, as long as the fans were entertained.
Hogan: You’re damn right, Piper. This belt means the world to me, but if I lost it tomorrow, I’d still get up the next day because I know that the millions (and millions…oh wait, that’s the Rock) of Hulkamanics would still want me to be there for them. It’s all about entertaining the fans, and that’s true whether it’s wrestling or rock and roll.
Piper: Oh, so now you’re saying that what we do, being slammed around 300 days a year is the same as singing a few songs and playing a guitar, or maybe it’s like your buddy, Mr. T., huh? Is traveling from one town to another, being on the road day after day, getting beat up night after night, for a few bucks, and then having to drive 200 miles to another town and doing the same thing the next night, is that the same as sitting on a movie set, and having a stunt man do your dirty work, while you sit in a trailer, getting a pedicure or having your mohawk brushed?
Hogan: Don’t knock Mr. T, Piper…he’s a good guy and he respects what we do.
Piper: Oh, so Mr. T respects what we do. You really think he’s sitting around with his Hollywood cronies and he’s not laughing at you? He’s not pointing at you when you get slammed by Big John Studd and telling everybody “Oh, you know, that didn’t really hurt. I could do that”? Hey, how much did me kicking the crap out of him NOT hurt?
Hogan: Shut up, Piper. Mr. T is a wrestling fan. He has been since he was a kid. He loves this business. And there’s nothing more he’d like to do than watch me beat you senseless the first chance I can. As a matter of fact, maybe I can talk Jack Tunney, president of the WW(edited) into letting Mr. T take you down a few pegs.
Piper: Woah, Hold on a minute…Hulk, Terry… I know you and everybody want to pander to the Hollywood crowd and book something that will show up on their radar in a big way. But do you really think that “Tunney” is going to let some untrained actor step into the ring with me, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, one on one. and risk me shooting on him? You really think Vince is gonna risk that?
Hogan: Oh it won’t be one-on-one, Piper, because I want a piece of you, too. Oh yeah, Piper. Go out and find yourself a tag team partner, because on March 31 at Madison Square Garden at Wrestlemania, I’m not going to have Mr. T in my corner, I’m going to have Mr. T BY MY SIDE as my tag team partner.
Piper doesn’t respond at first. He just paces like he’s about to say something. Then he leaves the interview area and storms over to the announce desk, where Vince McMahon is sitting.
Piper: Is this really what you want, Vince? You want to make the business your father, your grandfather helped to build, turned into a joke? Do you want the whole world to think that, it doesn’t take years of training, it doesn’t take years of traveling the roads working in front of 20-30 people, making a couple of bucks here and there because you might learn something that’ll help you down the road? You want people to think that any two-bit actor can just jump into the main event at a moment’s notice? Is that what we’re doing here, Vince?
Vince turns back to his microphone, seeming to ignore Piper’s presence.
Vince: Well, you heard it here first, fans. It will be WW(edited) Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan teaming with the incomparable Mr. T, star of Rocky III and TV’s The A-Team, to take on “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and a partner of his choice, on March 31 at Madison Square Garden, in an event dubbed Wrestlemania. We’ll have more information about the event in the weeks to come.
Piper: You wanna ignore me, Vince? Huh? Well, ignore this?
Piper slaps Vince in the back of the head, knocking off his headset, then storms off. A startled Vince leaps to his feet, and stares after Piper. Obviously angry, Vince takes a moment, then clears his throat and sits back down at the announce position.
Vince: Not sure what that was about. Nevertheless, we’ll be back with more World Wrestling Federation action after this…
As suspected, Piper chooses Paul Orndorff as his partner. In accepting Piper’s offer, Orndorff cuts a promo talking about his long history in pro wrestling, working in Memphis, Alabama, Mid-South and Georgia. In subsequent weeks, Orndorff cuts a series of promos that are really him relating stories about what he went through during his professional career, about traveling hundreds of miles to shows, wrestling through injuries, wrestling for little money just for the experience.
During the course of the promos, Orndorff talks about the anger he feels towards Hogan and Mr. T for thinking that an untrained actor had any right to step into the ring, and the disappointment he feels towards the WW(edited) for allowing this to happen.
During the build up to Wrestlemania, various wrestlers are interviewed, giving their thoughts on the main event. Of course, the heels are fully aligned with Piper and Orndorff, but even the faces express doubt about someone like Mr. T stepping into the main event.
Second-generation wrestler Barry Windham: “I was angered by what Piper did to my manager, Captain Lou, and I want to see him get his come-uppance for that. However, I’ve been wrestling since I was a kid. My dad has wrestled his whole life. I’ve known what it takes to be in this business since the day I was born. I’ve wrestled after travelling hundreds of miles. I’ve wrestled for next to no money. I’ve wrestled on my birthday. I’ve wrestled on my kids’ birthdays. I’ve wrestled hurt. It takes more than just a few days in a gym to be a wrestler. You can’t just wake up one day and think that running around New York City with the WW(edited) World Champion is going to make you a wrestler and be able to be in the main event of an important show like Wrestlemania. I think it’s sending the wrong message to the fans about this business.”
In his pre-match promos, Hogan continues to put over how many celebrities are wrestling fans and appreciate what the wrestlers do in the ring to entertain their fans.
However, T begins to cut almost heel-like promos, talking about how getting in the ring with Piper and Orndorff won’t be any great undertaking on his part. “I fought all my life, in the streets, on the set and now in the ring. Orndorff, Piper, all these wrestlers, what they do don’t impress me. You think you’re tough because you can pretend to fight. I’ll show you what real fighting is all about. You have all these moves that you think are supposed to be fancy. Just give me my two fists and I’ll take the best any wrestler can dish out. Cause I’m from the world of real fighting.”
In the main event, as advertised Hulk Hogan and Mr. T (with Jimmy Snuka in their corner) take on “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff (with Cowboy Bob Orton in their corner.)
As the match progresses, it becomes apparent than Piper and Orndorff aren’t pulling any punches. When T is in the ring, he looks lost, like “This isn’t supposed to be happening” as he gets beat down by the heels.
Once he tags in Hogan, the tide turns in favour of the WW(edited) champion. However, trying to fight off two men eventually gets the better of Hogan, and he is forced to tag in T again. Once T returns to the ring, Piper and Orndorff continue to deliver stiff shots to the actor.
T finally decides that’s enough’s enough and decides to fight back in the same manner. However, Piper and Orndorff employ a more technical (albeit shooting) wrestling style and quickly put T down.
As the match progresses, the members of the crowd that were only there for the Hollywood/Rock’n’Wrestling aspect of it get very quiet, while the wrestling fans (further back) get louder and firmly on the side of Piper and Orndorff.
Eventually, Piper gets the sleeper on T. Commentator Gorilla Monsoon correctly calls it a sleeper, with colour commentator Jesse Ventura backing him up by saying “And we should stress, that’s not a chokehold. It’s a perfectly legal sleeperhold.”
Hogan tries to rush the ring, but Orndorff stops him, as Orton and Snuka battle outside the ring. Referee Pat Patterson checks the condition of T and then calls for the bell.
From the back, many wrestlers, heel and face, come out to congratulate Piper and Orndorff. The reaction of the crowd is unique. The ringside area is dead silent, save for a few boos, but from the outskirts of the crowd comes massive cheers and chants of “Thank you, Piper!”
Okay, in writing this. it was going well until the actual Wrestlemania. I don’t know, it just fell flat. I think the fact that Hogan, the face champion, was involved. It was fine during the build-up, because Hogan was still working but Piper was shooting. However, once I got to Mania, it was like “Okay, Hogan still has to be the champion after this.” In retrospect, it occurs to me that Piper should have won the title at the War to Settle the Score. That would have given Hogan more reason to want revenge against Piper, and would have given Piper more status as the standard bearer for pro wrestling vs. the Rock’n’Wrestling Connection. As well, it would have given Hogan more opportunity to turn heel and Piper to turn face. (Of course, they could have still done the Piper/Orndorff break-up with Orndorff wanting a title shot and turning on Piper to get it.) Anyways, it’s time to put this dabbling in alternate history to bed.
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